Acknowledgement of Grief & Loss Amid the Pandemic
Four years ago, someone very dear to me died by suicide. It was my first real exposure to traumatic grief as a survivor, rather than as a mental health provider, and I consider myself lucky that I made it to that point in life before having that experience. I immediately did all the things I thought I should do. I said to myself, "I'm a psychologist; I should know how to navigate this." I didn't. I went to counseling. I read books and articles on grief and loss. I practiced self-care. It still sucked.
Two years later, I lost my mother to cancer. I was not much more prepared for loss the second time around. Again, I went to counseling. [This seems like a good point to express my sincere gratitude - both personally and professionally - for the exceptional grief support services provided by Trellis Supportive Care.] I revisited my self-care practices. And, again, I turned to the internet to find books/articles that might help make sense of things. That's when I discovered Megan Devine's book It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand. I purchased the audiobook and have listened to it many times. If you'd like to read an excerpt, Devine has provided a chapter entitled "Grief and Anxiety: Calming Your Mind When Logic Doesn’t Work" on her website, in response to the pandemic.
As I'm sure my fellow Student Services colleagues can attest, we're seeing a lot of anxiety, stress, sadness and uncertainty right now - from parents, students, educators, our families and, yes, ourselves. I'm not sure if everyone realizes this, but mental health professionals are notoriously bad at taking our own advice on self-care. We'll remind you that you need to put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping others, while at the same time putting the needs of everyone in our personal and professional lives ahead of our own. Our natural inclination is to help. To try to fix things. It's what we do. Ask any of us and we can quickly rattle off a dozen or so self-care or coping strategies. That's important. It matters. We have written about it and so have many, many others. A quick Google search will provide you with more self-care activities than you could possibly do in a day.
In the educational world of Multi-Tiered Systems of Support (MTSS) there's an adage that "You can't intervene your way out of broken core instruction." In other words, you can't just keep putting bandages on a broken leg and expect that will fix it. Over the past few days, I've been feeling like I'm missing something in our response to the anxiety and stress of the pandemic. If we were to apply that MTSS adage to our current situation, it might read as "You can't self-care your way out of this globally-shared trauma."
I've been revisiting parts of Devine's book (and her website) and I think I've now figured out what I was missing: acknowledgement. I needed to take a step back from trying to fix things and just acknowledge the loss and grief. Generally, we only relate "grief" to "death," but that's not actually true. We grieve for things we've lost. In this article on "Coping With Grief and Loss," the author notes that "feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss." Does that description ring true for anyone else right now?
In this video, Megan Devine provides a wonderful overview of that difference between "fixing things" and simply acknowledging grief/loss:
We have all lost our "normal." High school seniors may be grieving for the loss of traditional milestones like prom and graduation. Educators may be grieving for the loss of school routines and access to their students. Parents may be grieving for the loss of social and educational opportunities for their children. Jobs have been lost, which can also be a source of grief. The loss of important events that we are missing - weddings, funerals, birthday parties, planned trips, etc. - shouldn't be minimized. And, of course, we may be grieving for lives lost to this pandemic. In this blog, Devine writes, "You have the right to grieve whomever – and whatever – you’ve lost. Don’t downgrade your loss just because others might have it worse."
It took me 7 weeks to recognize the importance of simply acknowledging the grief/loss wrought by this pandemic. I would encourage our readers to do the same. Let's all start by just acknowledging how much this sucks and how much we (and those we love) may have lost. As much as we may want to, we can't fix this for anyone - or even for ourselves. Grief is a natural and normal response to loss; it hurts. We will continue to offer you strategies and techniques to help with the hurt, while also admitting that there is no "quick fix." There's no one-size-fits-all bandage, because everyone's loss experience is unique. The best response right now is simply continuing to support others. Let's keep showing up for one another in every way that we can.
Two years later, I lost my mother to cancer. I was not much more prepared for loss the second time around. Again, I went to counseling. [This seems like a good point to express my sincere gratitude - both personally and professionally - for the exceptional grief support services provided by Trellis Supportive Care.] I revisited my self-care practices. And, again, I turned to the internet to find books/articles that might help make sense of things. That's when I discovered Megan Devine's book It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand. I purchased the audiobook and have listened to it many times. If you'd like to read an excerpt, Devine has provided a chapter entitled "Grief and Anxiety: Calming Your Mind When Logic Doesn’t Work" on her website, in response to the pandemic.
As I'm sure my fellow Student Services colleagues can attest, we're seeing a lot of anxiety, stress, sadness and uncertainty right now - from parents, students, educators, our families and, yes, ourselves. I'm not sure if everyone realizes this, but mental health professionals are notoriously bad at taking our own advice on self-care. We'll remind you that you need to put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping others, while at the same time putting the needs of everyone in our personal and professional lives ahead of our own. Our natural inclination is to help. To try to fix things. It's what we do. Ask any of us and we can quickly rattle off a dozen or so self-care or coping strategies. That's important. It matters. We have written about it and so have many, many others. A quick Google search will provide you with more self-care activities than you could possibly do in a day.
In the educational world of Multi-Tiered Systems of Support (MTSS) there's an adage that "You can't intervene your way out of broken core instruction." In other words, you can't just keep putting bandages on a broken leg and expect that will fix it. Over the past few days, I've been feeling like I'm missing something in our response to the anxiety and stress of the pandemic. If we were to apply that MTSS adage to our current situation, it might read as "You can't self-care your way out of this globally-shared trauma."
I've been revisiting parts of Devine's book (and her website) and I think I've now figured out what I was missing: acknowledgement. I needed to take a step back from trying to fix things and just acknowledge the loss and grief. Generally, we only relate "grief" to "death," but that's not actually true. We grieve for things we've lost. In this article on "Coping With Grief and Loss," the author notes that "feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss." Does that description ring true for anyone else right now?
In this video, Megan Devine provides a wonderful overview of that difference between "fixing things" and simply acknowledging grief/loss:
We have all lost our "normal." High school seniors may be grieving for the loss of traditional milestones like prom and graduation. Educators may be grieving for the loss of school routines and access to their students. Parents may be grieving for the loss of social and educational opportunities for their children. Jobs have been lost, which can also be a source of grief. The loss of important events that we are missing - weddings, funerals, birthday parties, planned trips, etc. - shouldn't be minimized. And, of course, we may be grieving for lives lost to this pandemic. In this blog, Devine writes, "You have the right to grieve whomever – and whatever – you’ve lost. Don’t downgrade your loss just because others might have it worse."
It took me 7 weeks to recognize the importance of simply acknowledging the grief/loss wrought by this pandemic. I would encourage our readers to do the same. Let's all start by just acknowledging how much this sucks and how much we (and those we love) may have lost. As much as we may want to, we can't fix this for anyone - or even for ourselves. Grief is a natural and normal response to loss; it hurts. We will continue to offer you strategies and techniques to help with the hurt, while also admitting that there is no "quick fix." There's no one-size-fits-all bandage, because everyone's loss experience is unique. The best response right now is simply continuing to support others. Let's keep showing up for one another in every way that we can.
“Together we can make things better, even when we can’t make them right.”
- Megan Devine
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